New Years is a holiday that centers around three activities:
1. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol.
2. Watching a large, shiny ball go down a pole.
3. Making lists
If done correctly, your New Years did these three things in this order because watching a shiny ball is not any fun unless you’ve already been drinking copious amounts of alcohol. And making a list is usually done the next day while wearing pajama pants and eating Tylenol like they’re candy.
To ring in the year of ‘10, I’ve created ten lists of ten things each and even got some other fantastic bloggers to contribute.
I urge you to also examine things in your life, put them all down on a list, and then tear up the list and go do whatever makes you happy.
10 Things I Wish Would Go Away in 2010 But I Know Probably Won’t
10. LOL Everyone knows you’re not actually laughing out loud. If it is supposed to be accurate, just change it to “smirk”
9. Brett Favre Unless he’s also trying to break the streak of screwing over as many teams as possible, he should go ride a tractor.
8. Lost I haven’t been this confused by a show and more confused by why people like it since “Twin Peaks”. I know its supposed to end, but expect “Lost 2: Lost Harder” to show up at some point.
7. Jon and Kate The only thing you’ve ever done is apparently OD on fertility drugs.
6. Axe There isn’t a product out there strong enough to cover up your crap personality. On second thought, maybe this should stick around so even blind chicks can identify a douchecanoe by scent.
5. MTV I’m sorry but your time has passed. Instead of anything music related, you are now the number one producer of terrible, terrible things that no human should ever be subjected to. Example: “Jersey Shore.” I rest my case.
4. Chicago Cubs Winners never quit and quitters never win, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.
3. “It is what it is” Descartes couldn’t have been any more succinct. Thank you for explaining existence in so simple a term, but it still doesn’t lend any sort of understanding to the situation. Go join “leveraged” and “touch base” in the bin of overused stupid phrases.
2. Celebrity Babies I know celebrities are going to keep reproducing, but can we stop caring? I don’t give a rat’s ass what Suri is doing EVER. Unless it’s smacking dad around, and then she’s just living the dream.
1. Social Networking Facebook won and is in the process of imploding thanks to Farmville. Myspace, LinkedIn, Plaxo, Classmates.com, you will not be remembered. For companies that are supposed to have their collective finger on the social pulse of the world, you are shockingly out of touch and haven’t heard that nobody except pedophiles, camwhores, and crappy local bands use your services anymore.
10 Things That I Wish Would Make a Comeback in 2010
10. How I Met Your Mother
9. Blogging
8. David Sedaris
7. Ridiculous Coffee Flavors
6. Making Fun of Bottled Water
5. Men of the Square Table / Man Law commercials
4. Adam Carolla
3. Sweat Pants
2. Any show on Bravo
1. Dinosaurs
10 minus 3 Predictions for 2010 from the Blagonet
(presented by other bloggers that weren’t too lazy to write another list, click on their names to go to their homes)
Daffy: I predict a baby boom near the end of 2010. As the economy continues to tank and the current presidency takes us further into debt, millions more will be driven to drink. Drink beer....because it's cheap....the more beer people drink the more drunks there will be. The more drunks there are the more ugly people will have the chance to get laid - hence the baby boom. Bottoms up y'all!
Alex: I predict that in 2010 Steven Spielberg, James Cameron and Ben Stiller recognize the cinematic genius that is Travis at I Like to Fish and start a bidding war to produce his first epic...all filmed on his phone. The people of Okay are so impressed they name him Mayor for a day and hold a Travis parade, complete with floats, camouflage gear and old guys in wheelchairs.
Travis: I predict that a Southpark/Family Guy collaboration episode will trigger Armageddon.
LiLu: I predict that they will successfully mate Tiger Woods with a tiger, who will then be a lover, not a fighter, and the whole world will have a giant cuddly wuddly kitty to play with!
...when it's not trying to bone us.
(Yeah, bestiality. I went there)
GingerMandy: There will be a mass Facebook genocide. Suddenly millions will be gone because of something stupid like "Suddenly you can only receive 12 gifts per day on Farmville." Blasphemy!
Michael Jackson will be discovered living in Bora Bora faking his death.
You will see Russia slightly better from Alaska's backyard.
Marnie: 3d movies will become the format of choice; that is until 3d and porn unite to cause the apocalypse.
BadGuyHideout: A film is greenlighted entitled "Michael Cera Screams" where Michael Cera just screams and shouts very loudly and aggressively for 90 minutes.
10 Words I Like
10. Teh
9. Clearly
8. Douchecanoe
7. Beagle
6. Legendary
5. Ftw
4. Blagonet
3. Intense
2. Awesome
1. Meh
10 Tech Support Questions I Think Will Happen in 2010
10. Robot is out of control, insists on serving the salad after dinner.
9. iPhone is trying to connect directly to brain, but don’t have an available USB port in my head.
8. Bluetooth device didn’t actually change the color of my teeth
7. Can’t install latest Mac OS onto my foot massager.
6. CAT Scan app on phone keeps telling me I have brain problems but I doesn’t not…go to have…phone…graah.
5. Computer burst into flames when I put it near fireplace to prevent it from freezing.
4. Accidentally swallowed super small iPod.
3. Laser sword has terrible battery life, keeps wounding family members.
2. Forgot my password.
1. I can’t get my flying car’s Bluetooth stereo to link with my home pc and use it to control my thermostat and lights, but I can when I use my thought-controlled mouse….oh wait never mind the cord was unplugged.
10 Ways To Leave Your Lover in 2010
10. The answer is easy if you take it logically.
9. I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free.
8. Slip out the back, Jack
7. Make a new plan, Stan.
6. Don’t need to be coy, Roy.
5. Just listen to me.
4. Hop on the bus, Gus.
3. You don’t need to discuss much.
2. Just drop off the key, Lee.
1. And get yourself free.
10 Movie Sequels I Want To See in 2010
10. Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Jack against the RIAA
9. Die Hardest
8. Lethal Weapon 5: Defending the Retirement Community
7. Spaceballs II: The Quest for More Money
6. Legally Blonde 3: Yes We Can Wear Pink
5. Star Trek 2: More of That Green Chick
4. Sex and The Salt Lake City 2: More City but Less Sex
3. Cloverfield 2: WTF
2. Dead Poets Society: Blogging
1. Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus II: The Battle Continues
10 Made-Up Adjectives to Describe Your Ex in 2010
10. Insanotarded
9. Needydiculous
8. Psychoverted
7. Miserlyfat
6. Handsdumb
5. Baldolame
4. Rackoplastic
3. Slutoholic
2. STDumbass
1. Unemplugly
10 Animals That If They Happened To Go Extinct in 2010 I Don’t Think I Would Miss
10. Tapirs
9. Mosquitoes
8. Seagulls
7. All the cats in my neighborhood
6. Moles
5. Grunion
4. Boll Weevils (to be fair, I have no idea what a Boll Weevil is)
3. Giant Sloth
2. Centipedes
1. Pandas (what have you ever done for me?)
10 Phrases I’m Pretty Sure Won’t Get You Elected in 2010
10. “You betcha!”
9. “Strategery.”
8. “You people.”
7. “The South will rise again.”
6. “Nah, I’m just shittin’ ya.”
5. “Dude.”
4. “Have you seen Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus yet?”
3. “I’m so stoked to be here.”
2. “Rogue.”
1. “Maverick.”
Happy Day That Celebrates an Arbitrary Point in Earth’s Orbit! No bartime sounded good last night, didn’t it?
It’s back and better than a shirtless, mulleted redneck with hay in it’s mouth; blank tuesday returns with a vengeance.
I apologize if anyone suffered traumatic nightmares or daydreams or really any sort of mental image caused by the visceral horror that was last week’s image.
It was hard to pick a winner this week, mainly because this idiot could pretty much say anything. There isn’t an insane enough combination of words that this guy wouldn’t say.
And the winner is:
Daffy may or may not have giant lips, have a hairspray and post-it addiction, or pee on people’s feet. One of those things is true, two of those things are not, and one is unknown. YOU MAKE THE CALL!
I like having new posts from Daffy show up in my reader because I will get my quota of crazy for the day and don’t have to go looking for it. And most stores are all sold of of crazy after Christmas.
Now let’s all go over to Daffy’s place and eat her leftover turkey and drink her leftover gravy. Mmmm meat juice, nom nom.
And now onto the picture for week number five of this glorious tuesday tradition, just like bourbon for lunch.
This picture just really makes me laugh because I think he’s singing.
Ready, set…make it so!
Remember way back when I had all my lovely readers pick my fantasy football team name?
Well the season has ended and the results are in:
FRAGILE PORCELAIN MICE has triumphed!
That’s right folks, even though I had the worst/best team name and a pretty awful team, I managed to win the big game, a small pile of money, and most importantly, bragging rights amongst my friends until next season.
I know most of the folks reading this probably don’t give a Bengal’s ass about fantasy football or even football in general, but I won something and I’m damned sure going to talk about it.
Go me. Go readers for picking a winning team name. Go Tom Brady for getting throwing the ball even when you were up by a bazillion points and running up the score (by the by, karma’s a bitch and now you’re for sure going to lose in the first round).
Some random thoughts on the teams in the playoffs:
Cardinals: nobody knows if you’re good or not, which is odd because usually winning a Super Bowl makes a pretty good argument
Cowboys: already in full-meltdown mode.
Vikings: doing their damndest to imitate the Cowboys and follow them into full meltdown mode.
Eagles: you are perennially the worst team in the playoffs all the freaking time. Either win an important game or stop it.
Packers: you’re setting me up for heartbreak again, aren’t you?
Saints: it doesn’t matter if you win the first 17 games if you lose the last one. Just ask the Patriots.
Patriots: the football gods are going to smite you so hard, your great grandaddy is going to feel smote.
Chargers: I’m proud that you can take advantage of being in a terrible division every year and make it to the playoffs.
Bengals: rarely is the abbreviation “WTF” so appropriate. “Who are the Bengals playing in the first round?” is a sentence just below “Where did that unicorn just go?” in the list of Questions You Never Hear.
If I had to pick? I’d say Indy v. Saints for the big game, but right now all the favorites are playing terrible football except the Packers, and I just don’t trust that bet enough to put any of my own money down. My gambling advice for this postseason?
Don’t.
Man oh man, you guys did not make it easy on me this week. Hungry Hungry Grandma apparently brings out the best in you, which frankly is even more wrong than the image itself. But I love you nonetheless.
This week I am going to pick two winners because I just couldn’t decide between them, but let me reiterate how hard it was to pick winners this week because they all made me laugh. A lot. Too much so for being at work and on the phone with customers.
“What are you laughing at? My computer isn’t that funny!”
“No ma’am it’s not you, but people are putting funny words in the mouth of a grandmother who is eating a baby in an airport or restaurant or something.”
“….is there another tech I can speak with?”
Without further ado, the winners for #3…
Travis will have to share the prize with my wife, and since Travis is a nice guy and shares everything except his french fries (TRAVIS DOESN’T SHARE FRIES) this should be acceptable.
Let’s all go to Travis’ place and eat his pickle-flavored popsicles and go watch a parade.
Travis likes to fish, make post-it’s, has a budding film career, write his memoirs, and dabbles in macramé. I don’t know if that last one is true, but just try and prove it isn’t. I don’t even know what macramé is, so it very well could be true for all I know.
Wife is on her last day teaching before winter break, which means she’ll have no more stories about urine or mucus for a couple weeks. She just finished baking approximately fifty or sixty thousand Christmas cookies, which seems to have caused our oven to collapse and die from exhaustion. Unfortunately, Wife has no web presence for me to link to, but if you Google the phrase “baker gymnast wife” this is what you get:
That’s right, no results found, because THERE IS NOTHING AS AWESOME AS MY WIFE! Suck on that, Google.
Alright bloggypeople, here’s the picture for blank tuesday #4. I expect nothing but the best from you, so let’s go win one for the Gipper because his nickname is really pretty stupid and he feels bad about it. Seriously, can we just call him George?
For the love of god people, this is like shootin’ fish in a barrel with a small cannon. And the barrel is really small, like a yogurt cup.
Another screenshot directly from our work logs.
Just read the underlined part at the top, then skip ahead to the circled part at the bottom. All those words in the middle basically translate to “tried computery things and wasted a lot of time”
Technically, the printer cable was perfectly fine; it was just laying on the floor unharmed.
Color Brochure Printing
This Is Why Your Hold Time Is So Long by the author is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Based on a work at badlydrawnmonsters.blogspot.com.
