why didn’t i think of that

“How may I help you?”

“The website won’t let me login, I’m trying to submit my reports to the state.”

“Well ma’am we don’t control the passwords for that website, they have their own passwords. You’ll need to contact them.”

“Hang on, let me try something…[sounds of furious typing] no, that didn’t work. What should I try?”

“Uh, well, you should try contacting the 800 number at the bottom of the webpage, we don’t control this password, the website does their own passwords.”

“Hmm, let me try something else…[more furious clicking and typing] nope that didn’t do it either. What should I do next?”

“Like I said, you’ll need to contact the website. There should be a phone number at the bottom. You will need to get your username and password from them.”

“Well one more thing…[more typing] nope, my other username didn’t work either, and now it says I’m locked out. Oh, it gave me the number for their help desk; should I call them?”

“……That’s a great idea.”

UPDATE:

This person has called in four times in the last two days regarding the same exact issue. I have gotten her every time by sheer "luck". I've even stopped trying to be nice to her.

see much?

Me: “Thank you for calling, what can I help you with?”

Him: “I was just wondering if my computer has external speakers.”

Me: “Do you see any external speakers?”

Him: “No…”

Me: “Then I’m going to go with no.”

Him: “Hmmmm…”

its not an accident if you do it on purpose

Since it seemed to go so well last week, I will share with you another TMI from Wife the Teacher.  Seriously, she should just have an entire blog herself entitled “Disgusting Thing I Had to Touch Today”.  It would be epic, and nobody would want to read it, because it would make their soul sad.

On this particular day, Wife didn’t have her classroom aide with her (she has 27 four year olds, she’s the only teacher.  Technically, she has a “full-time” aide, but the phrase “full-time” is up for debate.)  She gets the kids to line up along the wall by the door so they can go to lunch. Kids are holding their lunch boxes and things.  As she walks down the line, she sees a large puddle on the floor by one of the boys.

“Teacher, I had an accident.”

She looks at his pants and sees that they’re NOT wet, so she’s kind of confused as to what made the puddle.

“Did you spill your juice?”

“No, I had an accident.  My mom gave me orange juice in the car this morning.”

“Is that…orange juice that you spilled?”

“No, I had an accident.”

“Are you wet?”

“….A little.”

She looks again at the puddle and sees that its making a fairly large splatter pattern, as if something was poured out.

And then it dawns on her: this little kid whipped it out and pissed on the floor in the classroom. 

After talking to the parents later that day about the incident, she learned that apparently he is scared of bathrooms and doesn’t like to go in a toilet.  Since he had to pee, the floor of the classroom seemed like a reasonable alternative.

Anyone who’s been around a four or five year old knows their favorite hobby is tattling.  However, not one kid said anything to her; there was not one “TEACHER!  HE’S PEEING ON THE FLOOR!” yelled from the line.  I think it was because even the other kids were shocked and doing the kindergarten version of “What the hell?”

slower writing

Sorry Folks, but I am giving you advance warning of some slower output for the next couple weeks, as I’m going to attempt the nanowrimo.

For those of you who might wonder what this is, it’s a “get off your arse and do what you always said you would do but always found an excuse not to” moment, so I’m going to give it a whirl. The short version, I have to produce 50,000 words by the end of November. I make no claims as to whether or not they will be the right words or even spelled correctly. Hell, I might even just make some words up.

I’m going to be leaving this little tag over on my sidebar, so if you want to join in as well, feel free to click on it and take you to the page where you sign up.

Don’t worry, I’ll still drop little stories here and there to remind you that I still exist, and boy do I have some ready to go.

Words of encouragement are always welcome. As is topics for novels.

gilbert? is that you?

I just took a call from a user that had me at a loss for words.  The entire time I was on the phone with her, there was an incredibly loud and annoying bird squaking in the background.  In fact, it was so irritating, I have to assume that it was actually on the shoulder of the person I was talking to. 

There are only three reasons this is acceptable:

   1. She has never talked on a phone before

   2. She is a pirate.

   3. She is Jaffar, and Iago is trying to sell me Aflac insurance.

Using the process of elimination, I think I just helped a pirate with their computer for the first time.  Which is good, because now she can get back to plundering.

musical memoir monday

Sorry Travis, but once again I will bastardize your Memoir Monday and turn it into something musical, mainly because it’s my blog and I can ruin your good ideas here if I want to.

Please don’t hurt me.

Last Memoir Monday, I shared with you the unplugged version of one of the songs from the band I was a part of in high school, Abuse Me Felmo. This next little ditty was originally recorded as a bootleg at a show, but we had it remastered and added to our CD because it turned out really well.

The funny part about this song is we completely made it up right then. This was at the end of our set and the next band was not there yet, and in any case the entire audience was there for us anyway. So we just started playing things and this is what happened.

And if you listen closely, you can tell that the song is about Boris Yeltsin and Connie Chung on a bus. Don’t ask me; I just played the drums.

Please to enjoy, Abuse Me Felmo’s “Scruples and Rubles” never to be repeated or replicated.

is that dirt? no it’s not

I haven’t had a good one of these for awhile, but this one is short and sweet and got me to laugh.  It actually comes from Wife, who for those who don’t know is a kindergarten teacher at a public school.  On a daily basis, she has more TMI-type stories than I get in a month.  On a somewhat related note, before you send your kids to school, actually make sure they’re potty trained.  Seriously.  The teachers thank you in advance.

On this particular day she’s out doing recess duty, and one of her kids comes running up.

“Teacher, look what I found?” as he holds out his finger with a goopy glob of something on the tip of it.

She takes the glob off of the student’s hand with her finger and holds it close to examine it, and she says, “Hmm, I don’t know what that is, it’s probably just a clump of dirt, let me just get rid of that.” 

“Yeah, I found it in my nose!”

Cue the gag reflex.